Cold hands, warm shart.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
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