I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
