My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
