jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
