So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
