I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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