Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize