I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
