I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
