My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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