I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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