No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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