I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
