you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
