Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm too high and old for this...
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
