he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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