I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Randomize
