shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize