your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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