clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
