I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
