this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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