i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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