I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
