I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I want to fling myself into the sun
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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