mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
