Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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