i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
