i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
