i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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