Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Two words: blizzard sex
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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