I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
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