I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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