I'm eating all of the evidence.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
MIDGETS
????
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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