I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
