Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
