Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I skipped work to stalk him.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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