I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
