all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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