His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
