The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
