i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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