Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
