woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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