where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
