so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
