I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
