They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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