I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
