I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
