Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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