Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
