i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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