John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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