I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
