he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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