the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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