we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
